Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
If you wanna be my leader, you have got to change,
Talking is too easy, but that’s the way it is.
– to paraphrase the Spice Girls number inexplicably playing in my head since morning
A for AAP, B for BJP, C for Congress, D for DMK. E for ENOUGH.
Here is my
wishlist criblist for each of the political parties’ campaigns for the current elections.
- It is NOT ANTI-NATIONAL to vote for someone. AAP and BJP, I’m looking at you. Stop trying to shame people.
- It is NOT COOL to advertise on facebook relentlessly. Nandan Nilekane and Narendra Modi. Let me look at my friends babies pictures in peace. Buzz off my social media.
- It is NOT CRICKET to interrupt T20 matches with poor quality cartoons with retarded slogans. Especially not when India is the dominant team in the tournament. What will you do next ? Put your ads in the interval of Shaadi ke Side Effects ? What you did that too ? Shame on you BJP and Congress
- It is NOT FUN to make long whiny songs about how you are going to make the farmers of this country strong and hire models to do strange traditional indian dances to chitrahaar style songs. NoMo NaMo.
- When is the last time someone slapped someone or rubbed someone’s face with black ink ? Who really does that anyways ? And if someone slapped you, don’t appear on TV the next day with conciliatory images of you forgiving the slapper. You are the slappee. The multiple slappee in fact. SLAP BACK. Think of what kind of message you are sending Pakistan or China or any other country planning to mess with us. There was no omnipresent nuclear weapon threat in Mahatma Gandhi’s time. Now there is. Please update strategy accordingly. That old stuff doesn’t work. Or even if it does, I’m not willing to risk it. Slap back. There’s still time. You’re supposed to be the angry dude anyways. What’s with this Mother Teresa stuff ? I repeat, SLAP BACK next time. AK, say sorry now.
- NO FUZZY MATH. A vote for X is not a vote for Y. A vote for X is not a vote against Z. A vote for X is a vote for X. That’s as simple as it is. Let people vote for whoever they want to vote for without complex venn diagrams and global optimization algorithms. BJP you know I’m looking at you here.
- There is NO MESSIAH who can/will save us. We are all stuck in a collective morass till we get our asses up, stop whining and start working hard. Neither Modi, nor Arvind nor Rahul can help us if we continue to whine. There is no magic bullet. There are no foreign investors waiting to line up and invest in India just because we have a new government. Our parents and their parents worked hard for a tenth of the salaries and opportunities that we enjoy. Let us just focus on matching their diligence and industry. Nothing and nobody else can save us. Both of you three are solidly guilty of this one.
“Th-th-th-that’s all folks!”.Now that it’s all over, bar the shouting when it’s done.